


A Schrödinger's Bear State of Being

by ermengarde



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), GlamRPF
Genre: Gen, Podfic Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-13
Updated: 2011-06-13
Packaged: 2017-10-20 09:32:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ermengarde/pseuds/ermengarde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Adam does not need rehab, nor is he having a breakdown, he just wants his ice-cream damnit, and Tommy is definitely the friend he'd call to help hide the bodies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Schrödinger's Bear State of Being

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angelnetgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelnetgirl/gifts).



It all starts when Adam moves into his new house. Or when he gets his first grocery shopping delivered, anyway. He does order a lot of crap, sure, but he also orders a shit ton of smart water and vegetables and things that he's pretty sure will turn to brown sludge in his fridge before he works out how to cook them, so it's really fucking unfair that the judgmental bear in his freezer won't give him his ice-cream.

He calls Lane first (he pays her to smooth out life's little bumps, so bears that turn up in his freezer just to judge him are kind of her job). He gets thirteen words into his explanation before she starts talking about rehab and he has to hang up.

Neil doesn't even let him get as far as explaining what the judgmental bear is _doing_ "I'm in Asia, Adam; please have your nervous breakdown at someone on the same continent.". Their mom calls him about twenty minutes later, so apparently Neil is still taking some of his brotherly responsibilities seriously. Adam manages to persuade her that he's fine, that he was just teasing Neil... He totally doesn't want the bear to start judging his mom; the insults about his figure and presumed genetics are quite bad enough without giving it more ammunition.

He holds out from doing anything for another couple of days, until the Enquirer runs a story on him letting himself go because they've got pictures of him buying ice-cream four times in a week (he just eats what he wants and throws the rest down the disposal, anything to avoid opening the freezer door), and then he starts pricing new freezers, narrowing it down to one that has a special section to bring ice-cream up from brick hard to scoopable. But the night before he plans on going to buy it he wakes up in a cold sweat, heart racing, because of a nightmare that the bear will move into his new freezer and from there into _all of the ice-cream freezers in the world_. He's aware that his panic doesn't exactly make sense, but he's got a judgmental bear living in his freezer...nothing in his life currently makes much in the way of sense.

He calls Tommy to ask if he can keep his ice-cream in Tommy's freezer.

"You want to what?"

"Just like a tub, you know? It won't take up much spa..."

"Adam, I know you're like this big fucking rock star with, like, crazy issues that normal people don't understand or whatever, but fucking seriously? You have an enormous fucking freezer, and if your personal trainer won't let you have ice cream in it then either man up and stop eating it or _stop fucking letting her into your house_."

"Tommy..."

"Adam." Tommy sighs. "Look man, I love you to death and I owe you, like, everything, but I have half a shelf in our freezer and it's mostly frosted over anyways. There's no fucking space for your ice-cream. I can't even put beer in there to chill."

"Oh." Adam feels kind of a tool. "Sorry."

"Hey, no, it's okay, Soph's usually pretty good at keeping the beer rotated in the fridge or whatever, and she totally likes me better than Isaac so my beer gets preference, but seriously, I know you said you needed to do some work to keep in shape, but you look great dude, you know? You don't need some terrifying tiny woman telling you what you can and can't have in your own fucking house."

Adam laughs, Tommy has _opinions_ on Adam's trainer, mostly formed one morning when he was trying to sleep off his hangover on Adam's couch. Adam's pretty sure that she traumatized Tommy for life. "It's not... Melody's supportive of all things in moderation."

"Yeah, right." Tommy laughs.

"No, she is, plus it gives her something to shout at me when she's trying to get me to do another sit up."

Tommy laughs harder. "So if it's not for the scariest trainer in the world, what the fuck do you need my freezer for?"

"There's, uhh, there's a bear in there?" Adam doesn't even sound sure to his own ears.

"A bear?"

"Uh huh."

"In your freezer?"

"Uhhh."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"Have you called a lawyer?"

"What?" Adam's not entirely sure what Tommy thinks his Lawyer could do. P.J.'s great at getting things taken off of the internet, but evicting judgmental freezer bears is probably not within his skill base.

"Adam, I don't know what happened, but if there's a dead guy in your..."

"WHAT?!? Bear. There's a fucking judgmental _bear_ in my freezer and it's definitely not fucking dead."

Tommy makes a strangled noise.

"I mean, (a)you know my type and it ain't bears, honey, and (b)I _would_ call you if I'd accidentally murdered someone, but I probably wouldn't tell you about it over the phone; they have that shit on C.S.I. you know, phone logs and shit."

Tommy is still making a weird noise.

"Look, just get your ass over here and help me, okay?"

Tommy seems to be stuck on his noise, so Adam hangs up on him and hopes he'll come over once he's stopped.

~~

It's been eighteen hours since he last checked, so Adam goes to see if he can extract his ice-cream.

" _I am watching you_."

Nope. Still there.

~~

 

Tommy arrives less than forty five minutes later - which means that he pretty much left immediately and floored it whenever he could - and Adam just about squeezes the life out of him. Tommy's not the best driver in the world and Adam feels kind of guilty that he made him rush over.

"Oxygen!" Tommy flails at Adam's waist. "Adam! I need to breathe."

"Sorry." Adam grins

"You are so not." Tommy glares up at him, but it's softened by the fact that he seems to be pouting to keep from laughing. "So, uh, you've got a bear in your freezer?"

"Yep, it's a judgy little fuck, too. It keeps trying to hand me frozen peas." Adam pouts for real. "I didn't even buy frozen peas. I _hate_ frozen peas."

Tommy hums a little "they're pretty useful if you've got, like, a sprain or whatever."

"I do not have a sprain. Frozen peas are not useful to me, I have a stressful lifestyle, ice-cream is useful to me." Adam is aware that he's getting a little overwrought.

"Adam, calm down." Tommy is rubbing at the top of Adam's arms in a soothing gesture. It feels pretty good. "Why don't I go and talk to it and see what it wants?"

Adam nods, yes, and Tommy wanders off to the kitchen.

 

Four minutes later Tommy comes running out of the kitchen and throws himself at Adam. "You've got a fucking judgmental polar bear in your freezer!"

Standing is kind of difficult, with Tommy clinging to him like a limpet, so Adam slides down the wall to sit on the floor. "I know. I told you."

"It's fucking _stuffed_! How can it fucking move?" Tommy grabs Adam's ears and shouts into his face. It's remarkably painful. "IT'S A FUCKING _TOY_!"

Adam disengages Tommy's fingers and holds onto his hands. "I know. It's really fucking creepy."

"And judgmental." Tommy buries his face in Adam's neck and sniffs. "Said I was out of shape and handed me a pack of fish sticks. I don't like fish sticks."

"No one likes fish sticks, baby. And you're in great shape." He lets go of one of Tommy's hands and pulls him into a hug. "I really like your shape."

"Fucking malevolent fucking toy fucking polar bear." Tommy sounds angrier than Adam's ever heard him. "We need to burn the fucker."

"Bu... are you sure?"

"Yep." Tommy sits up, squares his shoulders and looks at Adam. "Every single movie I've ever watched, other than the _Nightmare..._ films, burning's it, like, the only way to be sure it's gone."

"Isn't that," Adam bites the inside of his lip, "like murder?"

"It's a _stuffed toy_."

"But it can talk."

"So can _Chatty Cathy_ and _she_ doesn't sound like Willem Dafoe. Doesn't mean it's alive. Just means it's really fucking creepy." Tommy shudders.

"Fuck, yeah, okay."

Adam's house has a fire pit in the back yard - he'd half imagined jam sessions late at night, fueled by red wine and firelight, but it's the perfect place to send an evil stuffed toy to its eternal rest too.

 

It's already getting dark when they get the fire going enough that Tommy reckons the bastard bear will burn and they retrieve it from the freezer using the tongs and turning fork from the outside grill, reasoning that it won't be able to reach them if they hold it out at arms' length. It squirms and tries to pull itself off of the tines of the fork.

 

" _I AM WATCHING YOU. DON'T YOU DESERVE FIELD FRESH PEAS AND ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FISH STICKS? **I AM WATCHING YOU**_ "

It doesn't scream when they push it into the flames, it just continues yelling about additives and health and fresh being best. The last thing it says is that it's watching them.

"Okay, I'm officially the most creeped out I have ever been in my life and I watched _the Human Centipede_." Tommy won't take his eyes off of the flames.

"That was disgusting, not creepy." Adam only half-looks at Tommy, he's not willing to look away from the fire, either.

"Nah, it's the sequel that's disgusting; you know they banned it in the U.K.?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Stupid really, banning shit just makes people want to watch it."

"Yeah."

They stand there until the fire completely burns out, it takes hours.

~~

"So, are you going to check your freezer?" Tommy retrieves the grilling fork.

"Uh." Adam's not sure he wants to, the freezer's in a kind of Schrödinger's bear state of being right now, and that's _so_ much better than the definite bear state it's been in for the last few weeks.

"Come on, you pussy, check the damn freezer." Tommy pokes him with the fork.

"Ow. Fucker. I don't know why I asked you to help." Adam glares at Tommy.

"Who the fuck else do you know that would help you burn an evil toy from your freezer?" Tommy raises an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, okay." Adam puts his hands up and walks slowly back inside to the kitchen.

The freezer is there, humming with a quiet malevolence.

They walk towards it quietly, almost tip-toeing, and Adam reaches out gingerly to grasp the door. Tommy brandishes the fork like a sword.

Adam looks at Tommy and Tommy, who is glaring intently at the freezer, nods. Adam pulls the door open quickly and Tommy pokes the fork into it with a shout. Adam closes his eyes.

Adam takes a moment to calm his racing heart and slow his breathing back down. He doesn't open his eyes and Tommy doesn't say anything. "Well?"

"I think I killed your French Silk." Tommy sounds mournful.

Adam opens one eye. Tommy is standing in front of the open freezer door looking at the fork, which is impaled deep into the tub of ice-cream, there is nothing else in there. "You little shit."

"Oh, thanks." Tommy glares at him, again. "I rescue you from your freezer monster and all you can do is call me names for accidentally damaging your ice-cream? Seriously!?" He huffs, turns away from Adam and starts stomping out of the room.

"Oh, no, honey, I'm so...wait, please."

Tommy continues stomping away, so Adam grabs the first thing that comes to hand and throws a handful of ice-cream at the back of Tommy's neck.

"What the!?" Tommy scrapes most of the sticky, chocolate goodness off of his skin before he turns around and flings it back at Adam.

Which explains why Adam, Adam's kitchen and Tommy end up completely covered in ice-cream, and might explain how one of Adam's favorite memories _ever_ comes to pass but that's an entirely different kind of story altogether.

**Author's Note:**

> I suspect this fic rather continues in the vein of _my id, let me show you it_ stories, but I figure being terrified of an advert's probably the least of my problems so I'm happy to share the terror with Adam.
> 
> The Judgemental Freezer Bear (aka Clarence) _is_ actually voiced by Willem Dafoe and is part of a terrifying series of adverts in the U.K.. If you have thus far been spared the horror I'd strongly suggest that you keep it that way, but if you can't resist the lure of an evil polar bear you can see one of the adverts [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXdY9A-RsqE).
> 
>  
> 
> DaPatty has recorded podfic of this story and it is WONDERFUL, if you enjoyed reading this please do check it out and give her some love ♥

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] A Schrödinger's Bear State of Being](https://archiveofourown.org/works/627771) by [dapatty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dapatty/pseuds/dapatty)




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